Hellsing Cats Oneshots, Before, During, and After:
by catsvrsdogscatswin
Summary: My little one-shot thing about my Hellsing fanfics! Wanna know how the Halloween Squad all met up? Wanna know how Jackal's schooling went? Want to see me break the fourth barrier when I'm bored out of my mind? You may read this if you've only read my first fanfic, but you may have to skip a few chapters here and there. This will only be updated when I'm bored and Soul Eatered out.
1. Jackal's First Day of school

_**This is my Hellsing oneshots, right here. If you really, really like the oneshot, I might try and extend it a little. So, I figured it was pretty much inevitable that Jackal would have to go to school; I thought this a little after I came up with him.**_

_HELLSING CATS 2 and later!_

**Jackal Day Care:**

_Zara's POV:_

"He'll be fine." I said calmly, watching the bus with Jackal on it drive away. Alucard nodded. "Yes. He'll be fine." I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. "Perfectly alright. No worries. He'll do great." He sighed in annoyance. "Yes. He'll be perfectly alright and do wonderfully. No worries, no worries at all." I nodded in satisfaction and looked back at the bus. "But what if he's _not_?" Alucard said suddenly, with a tone of great worry. I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Alucard, he's not going into a war zone. Millions of kids do the same thing. Chill out."

He growled, pacing back and forth. "He's not millions of kids, he's _my_ kid. As such, he is constantly at risk." I rolled my eyes. "You're being paranoid and delusional. Calm down, take a deep breath, and yes, I know you don't _need _to breath, but it will help you calm down." He inhaled deeply, and then exhaled. "I just worry about him, that's all." He said, staring off to the point where the bus had disappeared. I took his hand. "That's my job. Stop stealing my thunder." I said, nuzzling into his shoulder. He reacted immediately, sliding an arm around my waist and kissing the top of my forehead. I was still awkward and iffy about obvious displays of affection, but I knew he liked it.

"Calm down…" I muttered into his chest as he stroked my hair. His whole body was relaxing from his previous tenseness into a wary, but still better, waiting mode. He sighed deeply. "Much better. Why _aren't _you worried?" I giggled. "He's your kid. Anyone trying to kidnap him would be facing down the prospect of one hellishly pissed vampire, not to mention his mom as well. Even Maxwell would have taken a deep breath and let the thought pass. Probably." He chuckled. "I would much rather face an army than Jackal's mother when she's angry."

"Aww, do I scare you that much?" I said playfully, beaming at him. He shrugged, smirking down at me. "No, but I've never seen you angry before." I raised an eyebrow. "Jackal's kidnapping?"

"You were on the edge of sanity, you weren't _angry_."

"When I was memory wiped?"

"Afraid and confused."

"Grrrr. Millennium?"

"I'd say…peeved."

"PEEVED!?"

"Yes…" He smirked.

"WHAT ABOUT NOW!?"

"Hmm…I'd have to say…upset." Any further comments were drowned out as I chased him into the Manor, screaming and occasionally raking his back with shape-shifted nails. I chased him down into the basement, passing an amused Techno, a confused Seras, and an annoyed Integra. When I got to his room he turned the tables on me and swung me into his coffin, landing on top of me and closing the lid. He let me take my temper out on him for about an hour before it got to be too tiring and I was falling asleep on his shoulder. "I…hate you…" I said drowsily, and he chuckled.

_Jackal's POV:_

I sat on the edge of the seat nervously, watching the other kids take off their hats. Mine was still on my head, an itchy black wool one. "Please remove your hat." The teacher said, pointing to me. I silently got out of my seat and handed her the note mommy had written for me. She read it over as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. _My tail hurts…_ "Never mind." The teacher said smoothly, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. The kid on my right nudged me sharply. "Why do you get to wear a hat!" he hissed, and I shrugged. "Mommy said I needed it." I whispered back, pointing to the teacher. "Alright, now repeat after me, A, B, C, D…"

She went through the whole alphabet, with the kids all singing along. I didn't bother, because I had already learned how to read, a little. Before long, the teacher made us get out our crayons and draw our parents for our memory week. I paused, wondering if I should draw mommy or daddy. _Umm..._ "Jackal, why are you hesitating?" the teacher's voice snapped right above me. "I can't decide to draw my mom or my dad." I said softly, staring at the paper. She sighed. "Try drawing your father." I squinted, trying to decide how to draw daddy. _Oh! I know!_ I stuck my tongue out, scribbling rapidly on the paper.

_Zara's POV:_

"What?" I said wearily, praying Alucard was still asleep. My cell phone had started ringing seconds after I had woken up, and I had managed to get to it before Alucard could wake up and probably crush it to pieces for interrupting his cuddle-time with me. "Your husband…is he alright?" the teacher's voice said shakily at the other end, and I blinked. _HUSBAND!? Oh wait, she means Alucard…no, not yet…no mam, I'm not married to the father of my son, he's waiting until I'm older…yes, he's actually a several centuries old vampire…no, I'm not crazy…_ "What do you mean?" I said grumpily. "Your son has drawn quite the…portrait…of him, and he says he's doing his job." She said tremulously, and I cursed Alucard.

_Damn him, he showed Jackal the mission tapes._ "Sorry about that." I said in embarrassment. "He's a guard for quite an important official, but when he gets home he plays a lot of those new games, the blood and the violence and such, you know how it is…" She sighed, and her voice sounded much more relieved when she began talking again. "Yes, sorry for disturbing you." I shook my head. "No, not at all. Please, call me any time there's a problem." She hung up and I put my phone back in its pocket. I tapped Alucard on the skull meaningfully. "Knock, knock batboy."

He growled, opening one eye. "What?" I smiled at him sweetly. "And just _when_ were you planning to tell me that you had showed Jackal some of your case files?" I said in my most sugary voice. He swallowed. "Umm…now?" He said weakly, and I glared at him. "My patience batboy. It's going _tick tock tick tock tick tock._" He frowned. "How did you know about that!" I traced a circle on the fabric of his shoulder. "His teacher called and said he had drawn a very_ interesting _portrait of someone we know, and asked if "something was wrong with him". Explain. Now." He grinned. "Seems like you have the whole problem summed up. I'm a horrible husband." I growled.

"No, you're not, because you aren't my husband yet." He sighed, his hands suddenly moving to just below my ribs, under my shirt. "But I want to be your husband_ now_." He whispered in my ear, rubbing small circles into my bare skin. "I don't want to wait." I took in a deep shuddering breath. _Damn him for being so good looking and knowing exactly how to unsettle me._ "Look, I'm not exactly against the idea myself, but we should wait. I'll be even more of a target than I already am if I'm your…wife…" I gulped at the word. _It just seems so weird saying that when it pertains to me and him._ He growled. "You're stalling." I shook my head rapidly. "Am not! It's just…I can't cope with that kind of deal…oh fine, just look." I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood and kissed him hard.

I focused on my insecurity over this whole issue, leaving my mind bare to him. He sucked at my lip hungrily, absorbing my thoughts along with the red liquid. I pulled back when the wound was healed. He growled in protest, but let me go. "See now?" I said uncomfortably, shifting on top of him. He sighed. "Sadly, yes. Do you have to be so centered on…reality?" I sighed. "Do you have to bring sanity into it?" he grinned. "Yes. Or my lack thereof." I snuggled into him, glad he got my point. He rumbled happily and nuzzled my neck as I fell asleep for the second time that day.

_Jackal's POV:_

The teacher told me after calling mommy that I needed to draw something without any blood in it. I shrugged and drew mommy cuddling with me, reading to me like she sometimes did when there weren't any missions. The person who had poked me earlier looked over my shoulder. "Is that your big sister?" he said curiously. I shook my head. "No, that's mommy. She reads to me sometimes, when she's not busy with missions." He stared at me. "Missions? Is she like a cop or something?" I started to shake my head, then paused. "Umm, yeah, kinda." He blinked. "Cool." I nodded, coloring mommy's favorite book in. the rest of the day passed in a blur, until it was time for mommy to pick me up.

She elbowed her way through all the other kids, picking me up and rubbing my hat around where my ears were. "Hey buddy! How was your first day?" she said cheerfully, and I shrugged. "It was okay, I made some new friends, and they taught us the ABCs and stuff." The teacher walked up next to us. "Oh, hello. Are you Jackal's big sister?" mommy shook her head. "I'm his mom." The teacher blinked, looking mommy over. "Umm…alright… Oh, I wanted to congratulate you. Your son is quite the young artist." She held up the picture I had drawn of mommy.

_Zara's POV:_

My first thought was: _Wow, he is a really good artist._ My second was: _DAMN YOU ALUCARD! You didn't just show him the mission tapes, you showed him the __**classified **__ones?_ Alucard was blasting his way through what looked like a SWAT team, grinning maniacally. Jackal had even drawn blood splatters on his jacket front and face. The Jackal was smoking, and the person in front of it was missing most of his upper half, which looked to be pasted across the wall and ceiling to his left. _Figures that any kid of Alucard's would not only know how to draw blood spatters with crayon, he'd know how a body would spread after impact and draw it correctly._ I sighed, shaking my head.

"Yes, thank you." I said, taking it out of her hand. She waved us out the door, and we sat down in the car Integra had sent for us. Jackal immediately whipped of his cap, cat ears twitching madly. He scratched them with one hand, then sighed in relief. "Much better." His tail snaked out of his shirt, and he waved it a few times. "Why do I have to go to a school full of humans anyway?" I flicked open the school newsletter and began reading. "Because the interaction with normal, sane people will do you good." He yelped. "We have normal, sane people at Hellsing!" I snorted. "Who?"

He opened his mouth to reply, then shut it. "Well, we have…umm…there's…" he sat in thought for a moment as we pulled out of the parking lot. "SIR HELLSING! She's normal and sane." He shouted, as if proving a point. "Never tell her what I'm about to say. Integra, while a natural leader, has problems. She wears a men's suit at almost all times, smokes constantly, and was in essence raised by your father, who we both know has far too many mental problems to count." I said, closing the letter. He sighed. "Yeah I guess…" I nodded in satisfaction.

The rest of the car ride was silent, and we pulled into the Hellsing driveway without a word. "Thank you." I said to the driver as we exited and walked up the steps. The doors opened for us, and I saw Integra waiting in the entrance hall, looking extremely tetchy. "Umm…I didn't do it?" I said warily, waiting for a chance to flee. She scowled. "I was not aware Jackal was being sent to school." I swallowed. "Umm…blame Alucard?" I said weakly, backing away towards the basement. _I certainly will, the jerk._ She advanced, waving a piece of paper at me. "His teacher sent for a psychologist, and was only stopped because _you_ assured her his father was a video game enthusiast. I am _not _happy." I gulped. "Umm…" She took a deep breath. "Just what do you suggest I do for your punishment? Jackal will still be attending school, with a few changes."

I shrugged helplessly. "I have an idea." A voice said as Alucard melted through the wall. I closed my eyes and prayed silently. _What have I ever done to deserve this?_ He whispered something in Integra's ear, and she raised an eyebrow. I started sweating inconspicuously, at least I hoped it was. _Oh crap, crap, crap, crap-_ "I agree." She said firmly, looking directly at me. I gulped. "What?" he smirked, and Integra quickly walked away. "Nothing!" she called over her shoulder, and I could have sworn she was blushing. Jackal tugged at Alucard's jacket. "What'd you say daddy?" he ruffled his hair. "Nothing. Run along, I have to talk to mommy."

He sighed and ran towards where the mercenaries lived, and I was alone with Alucard. I smiled gingerly and waved. "H-hi?" I stammered, not liking where this was going. He grabbed my arm. "Come." He yanked me right through the wall, me shouting protests the whole way.

_3__rd__ person POV:_

Integra sighed, hearing the yells issuing from the basement. _I pity her sometimes, Alucard can be quite the frustrating one when he wants to be._ She shook her head and began writing out her formal apologies to the teacher of Jackal's school. _If anyone can handle him, she can. I wonder if I should seem puzzled or annoyed when I write about his work problems here…_ In the deepest parts of the Hellsing basement, a certain teenager was in whole hearted agreement with Integra, at least partly. _I don't care if it takes me my entire life, I will get him back for this. He's such a jerk!_

She scowled at Alucard, who was lounging on his chair, grinning. "Well?" She growled, folding her arms over the thin fabric of her dress. His smirk broadened. "Turn." She sighed and whipped around, spinning so fast her hair was a blur. She skidded to a halt, flushed and smirking as well. His smirk had disappeared. "Slower." He said in annoyance. She moaned in defeat and slowly spun, showing him how the contours of the dress moved with her. His smirk returned, seeing exactly how much (or how little) the dress covered. "Happy now?" she asked irritably, putting a hand on her hip. He shook his head slowly, grinning. "All of them. You did a very bad thing, going behind Integra's back like that. You need to try on all of them."

She groaned and slouched over to a different room, slipping the straps of the dress off her shoulders. _At least he has the dignity not to watch when I'm changing._ Alucard watched her go, smugly congratulating himself. _I may have been a little too concerned over Jackal, but this is an excellent way to take revenge for the idea. She should have known better than to worry me._ His face softened when she slouched into the room again, in a blood red evening gown, grumbling to herself softly. _She is growing up, slowly, but she is still going. Will she ever be old enough to satisfy her foolish idea of maturity?_ She stared at him grumpily, waiting for his analysis. "Well?" she sighed, tapping a foot.

He stood up, wrapping his arms around her. "Indescribable." He purred, massaging her back. She moaned, caught off guard, and leaned into him. Then she hissed, leaning back away from him. "Making me dress up is bad enough batboy. Stop making moves as well." He sighed. _She's hiding herself again. She wants me, but she doesn't know how to deal with her want. I can feel her confusion._ "Stop calling me that." He said in annoyance, lifting her up and placing her in his lap as he sat back down on his chair. She wiggled on him, turning around. "Stop calling me kitten then." She watched him roll his eyes, wondering to herself how it would be like if they did get married.

_It…it wouldn't be that bad, would it? But…to be that restrained…I just don't know…I wish I could make a decision! I…I do care for him, and he cares for me…but how practical would it be, me marrying someone who would live hundreds of years after I'm gone? It's all so confusing…_ She nuzzled into his shoulder, humming softly to herself. "Stop it." He growled, startling her out of her thoughts. "But I thought you liked it?" she said in confusion. He nodded. "Not that. You have your thinking face on, and you're humming to yourself. You only do that when you're unhappy with something and trying to figure it out." She sighed. "Stop knowing me so well." She muttered into his shoulder.

_**Aww, they're so cute together. I got another one shot all ready for you people; it just needs the approval from someone I PMed. I used their penname in it, and I don't want to offend people. Review, Request, and that's an important one for these stories, because I won't be doing anything with it if you don't, Rcomment. Auf Wedersien!**_

_**PS: I did say it would be very slow updates, because I'll be working on my Soul Eater fanfic mainly, so don't look for it every day.**_


	2. Fourth Barrier, Part 1

_**Just a little something I'll be writing when I'm really bored for this Fanfiction. Enjoy! **_

_**4**__**th**__** barrier:**_

"_Autsch_." A certain Authoress grumbled at the computer screen, which showed two fantastically dressed women facing each other across what looked like a magical dueling circle. One made a twirling motion in the air, with a vaguely fired-shaped sign left in the air, which exploded outwards to show a dome of fire over the center of the magical circle, expanding as a gigantic elephant with a flaming sword burst through it. She sighed, apparently overcome by boredom. The elephant's sword sliced through the other woman, and she wobbled, letting out an electronic shriek. "And there goes the stupid little willow-the-wisps." A bright green orb in a smaller circle connected to the bigger circle bobbed, and the woman suddenly was looking much better.

"Darn it! Stupid little glowy sneaky wisp thingies, with their stupid power of shield spells…" she grumbled, double clicking on a different icon. The woman on the bottom right of the screen made another motion, a different sign being left in the air. A wave of water covered the circle, and a fin was seen circling in the middle. "See if you can beat a storm shark." A wildly sparking shark erupted from the water, chomping down on the wisp. "HA! Gotcha, stupid little wisp thingy, don't mess with me when I'm in a mood." She double clicked on a different icon. "Now then…hey!" the whole screen went dark and a glowing spot appeared, getting bigger and bigger. "Hello?" a voice said, and she facepalmed. A teenager's face appeared in the white light, looking faintly confused.

She had blond hair, and purple eyes. Her eyes were also slitted, like cats. "_De freuigen_?" the authoress muttered, scratching her head. "Hi! I'm Zara and…wow, who the heck are you?" the authoress groaned. "Breaking the fourth barrier are we? I'm your creator, catsvrsdogscatswin. And no, that's not my real name. Which reminds me…GET OFF OF MY COMPUTER!" Zara scratched her head. "What were you doing that was so important?" The authoress sighed. "I was playing Wizard101 and I was finally beating the boss I've been working on! You better have a good excuse for interrupting me." Zara gaped. "YOU WERE PLAYING ON THE COMPUTER WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN WRITING ABOUT ME!?"

The authoress huffed. "Well _excuse_ me." She muttered under her breath. Louder, she said "Yeah, so? And may I remind you, from your perspective, I'm god." Zara stared. "What?" The authoress didn't answer as she pulled up Microsoft Word. "Watch this." She said, typing something in. "Watch what- OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!" she shrieked as her entire body lit up with a electrical shock. The authoress backspaced, and the shock stopped. "See?" She said, watching Zara steam gently. "WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR!?" Zara screamed, jabbing a finger at the computer screen. The authoress grinned. "To remind you of my omnipotence and punish you for ruining my game." She said, picking up a nail file and scraping it across a finger.

"Grrrr….hey, you're kinda like Alucard." The authoress jerked. "Say what? You mean the creepy crazy vampire guy? Why the heck would I remind you of _him_?" Zara shrugged. "You seem to have a _slight_ disregard for me, and you have fun when someone's in pain." She said sarcastically. The authoress raised an eyebrow. "I can afford to have a disregard for someone I created with my own two hands. If I don't like you I can just scrape someone else up. Also, how did you know I like seeing other people scream in terror?" Zara folded her arms. "(This name is not written, because my friend did not give permission) told me." The authoress growled. "Figures. She _would_ tell anyone she got her hands on. It was only a few very small maniac laughs, and we were up in the air." She said defensively, and Zara raised an eyebrow.

"Maniac laughs?" the authoress collapsed on the keyboard, holding back laughter. "It was so funny… (same name) said she almost broke her bones she squeezed so hard…and she's so pissed at me for it still…and you should have heard her screaming…" she wheezed, trying not to laugh and embarrass herself in front of her OC. "AND SHE WAS SWEARING THE WHOLE WAY DOWN!" she burst out, losing the fight and cackling into the desk, shaking with her amusement. Zara watched her cackle, looking apprehensive. "Of all the people that had to come up with me…" she moaned "I had to get a crazy lady." The authoress glared at her, mastering the impulse to laugh.

"I prefer…mentally challenged…" she gasped, calming herself down. She took a deep breath. "Besides, you're a freak too!" she said sitting back up and leaning away from the computer in her swivel chair. Zara growled. "What did you just call me?" the authoress pinched her nose. "Wait, sorry, wrong person, you're not one of my friends…umm, you're just as weird and mentally challenged as I am?" she said hopefully, smiling at the computer screen. Zara looked nonplussed. "I am?" the authoress shrugged. "Heck, why not? Remember, I can make you do anything I want you to. You are now…" she rapidly typed something down. "…just as crazy and weird as I am." Zara blinked. "But I don't wanna be…hey; your pants have sparkly things on them!"

She jabbed a finger at said pants, which did have a lot of sequins and fake gems plastered along the bottom half. The authoress looked down. "Wha? Oh yeah, those. Sorry, I've become more immune over time. But now that you've pointed it out, they are rather cool…" Zara was poking at the sides of her little light-window. "And what's with this? Why am I so small on your computer?" The authoress shrugged. "How should I know? You're the one breaking the fourth barrier on me. What does this remind you of?" she held up an IPod with a video of a man swinging a chainsaw at some garden hedges. "Brummmm-neooooow-splat-drip-gush-repeat." She said, laughing a little, a smirk growing on her face.

"Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe." She giggled, the smile getting bigger and bigger. The authoress raised an eyebrow. "May have pushed a wee bit too far with that one." She muttered, backspacing again. Zara stopped giggling, looking appalled. "Okay, you _are_ crazy." She muttered, rubbing her head. The authoress shrugged. "Meh. Again, you get used to it. I mean, _this_ is crazy." She held up a hand to the screen, showing Zara her nails. "Umm…normal from where I'm sitting." Zara said scratching her head. The authoress rolled her eyes. "Nails, look at the nails." Zara peered closer. "Again, normal." The authoress facepalmed. "I forgot you live at Hellsing…" she muttered under her breath. "Completely human DNA pattern…" she said, trying to get her to figure it out. Zara frowned.

"Then why do you have claws?" the authoress slammed her head on the desk. "Not claws, fingernails. I just sharpen them. Every day. And let them grow out, really long. These-" she pinched her thumb and pointer fingers together "I keep short so I can pinch stuff with them. Works quite well." Zara gulped. "Great, not only do I have a crazy creator, I have a crazy homicidal creator." Said creator rolled her eyes as she gave a nail an extra hard rasp with the filler. "I'm not homicidal, I just think it's nice to have a weapon to hit someone with that they can't take away." She said, blowing dust off her newly sharp nails. Zara swallowed. "Whatever."

The authoress paused. "FRED GET AWAY FROM ME!" she shouted, yelling over her should and giving the empty air a decided look. "Damn ghost, always looking over my shoulder when I'm at the computer…" she muttered, turning back around. Zara gulped again. "Oh, right, I just remembered, what did you want? I assume you're breaking the fourth barrier for a reason?" the authoress said, as if nothing had happened. "Umm…oh yeah!" Zara said, blushing. "I was wondering…you aren't going to make me marry Alucard, right?" The authoress grinned, not saying anything. "Right? RIGHT!? ANSWER ME!" she said frantically, beating her hands on the computer screen. "Mayyybbbeee." The authoress drawled, looking extremely pleased with herself and rubbing her hands together.

Zara gasped and began ranting. The authoress discovered she could move the light-box to one side and started listening to a Vocaloid song, humming along to herself. She got past Trick and Treat, Alice Human Sacrifice, Black Cats of the Eve, and was on Marilyn Madison's This Is Halloween song, when Zara finally noticed something . "HEY! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!?" the authoress was ignoring her, singing along with the song.

"…everybody scream, won't you please make ready for a very special guy…"

"HEY! HELLO!"

"…is King of the Pumpkin Patch, everyone hail to the Pumpkin King now!…"

"CREATOR PERSON WHO IS AWESOME AND ALL POWERFUL!?"

"…Halloween, Halloween! In this town, we call home, everyone hail to the…"

"OY!"

"…La, la, la, la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la…"

"I WILL SERIOUSLY HURT YOU!"

"Wha? Oh, sorry, I never pay attention to rantings, least of all my own." The authoress said, exiting the YouTube window. "Now, I will send you on your way, but you shall see me in future, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." She said, flicking her fingers at Zara's window. Zara muttered crossly "I hope you die…" under her breath, but the authoress heard it. "If I do, I'll put it in my will for someone to write you into the ninth portal of hell, with creepy versions of the Captain, and I don't mean Mr. Bernadette." Zara turned white. "Yep, I'm that mean." The authoress said, over having a random someone pop up on her desktop, much less one she made up.

She typed something in, and the window with Zara in it shrank and disappeared. She smirked and got back to her game, muttering to herself under her breath. "I wonder what (friend name erased again) would say about this…nah, she's probably watching a slasher movie again…" she said, turning on her music and rebooting the Wizard101 game. "What can I do to make her really, really sorry for bugging me in the middle of my game…" she wondered out loud, already back to the previous window. "Hmm…nope…probably not gruesome enough…oh I know! I return the favor!" She opened Microsoft Word, already plotting her revenge on her OC character.

_**Not bad, not bad. Yes, I do actually sharpen my nails. They're not all that long, like they wouldn't be mistaken for claws, (yet) but Zara's surrounded by people with claws, and she has claws, so she would naturally say that. I won't be breaking the fourth barrier too often, but I might post more of this sort of thing later on. Review, Request, and really, ask me anything, Rcomment!**_


	3. Perfect Day in Hell

_**Ahhhh, I've been waiting for this moment, I get to put Zara through so much…**_

_Hellsing Cats 2 and after preferred, but not required._

_**Perfect Day in Hell:**_

_Zara's POV:_

"She's making a break for it!" Soarece and Maniac each grabbed my arms and dragged me back to the bathroom, me screaming my lungs out. "I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! I TAKE IT ALL BACK!" I screamed as they locked the door behind them. "Zara…" Maniac said, rubbing her head. "You can't back out now; you gotta go through with it!" Soarece said, pinning me down with her cursed vampire super strength. "I DON'T CARE! I CAN'T DO THIS!" I wailed, holding my head in my hands and rocking. "Yeesh, I've heard of before-marriage panic attacks, but you take the cake." Maniac said, pinning my head down and applying makeup to my face. "Is the boss ready yet?" Techno's voice floated in from the bedroom. "NO!" We all shouted, and he knocked on the door.

"Are you all decent? I think I have an idea to help her through this." Maniac opened the door, with Soarece holding me down in case I made another run for it. He stood in front of me, in his best rubber jacket and copper riveted pants. "Okay, you're looking at this from the wrong perspective." He said, putting a hand on my shoulders. "Think of it as a campaign." Soarece giggled and Maniac rolled her eyes, but they seemed to go along with it. "You have started this, and now you have to end it as the right people would. By sticking through to the end, no matter what they make you go through. If not, may it always be said I had more guts than you when it came to campaigning." He said, looking deep into my eyes.

I took a deep breath. "No. I can do this." I said in a very high and stressed voice. He grinned. "Dang, I really wanted to be best campaigner. Oh well, there's always next year." He said, walking out the door and winking at the other two girls. I sat very still and allowed them to doll me up, trying very hard to imagine myself somewhere else, like charging through a battlefield of ghouls, not here, about to be married. And trying very hard not to think of who I was about to be married to. _Anything but that…_ Finally, they announced they were done and let me look at the stupid thing. It was certainly an eye opener, to put it the nice way.

Red and black embroidery was sewn into the skirt, in a pattern that showed bats spiraling up and around me, before stopping abruptly at my waistline. Oddly enough, the rest of the skirt was pure white, which only served to make the bats show up even more. The top part was a simple tank-top looking thing, with abstract lines in black and red. This was pure white as well, and I felt fairly ridiculous. But the awestruck look on Maniac and Soarece's faces soon made me feel just a little bit better. Soarece mutely handed me a bouquet of white, black, and red roses. I swallowed hard, griping them tightly. _Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh-_"Well, let's get going." Soarece said, shoving me out the door.

I gulped, feeling tiny little butterflies explode in my stomach. She looked at me sympathetically as she dragged me to the garden. "Hey, it's okay." She said softly, and I glanced at her in surprise. She smiled. "I think I know how you're feeling right now. Terrified, nauseous, am I getting it right?" I nodded stiffly. "Don't sweat it." She said, giving me a tiny smile. "It'll all be over in no time. Just focus on him, and pretend doing this is no big deal. But do remember to give the audience a show." She pinched my cheek and walked out onto the green, me hanging back in the shelter of the Manor. I peeked out, and wished I hadn't. Everyone I knew from Hellsing, and even Heinkel and Yumiko, because I did believe in forgiveness, from Iscariot were there. My eyes traveled slowly up the red carpet to the canopy, where Techno, the best man, and Soarece, the bridesmaid, where already standing, with the priest…and _him_.

He was wearing his normal clothes, except for his red coat, and was looking in my direction. He even caught my eye, holding it and smirking. The message in his eyes was clear. _I'm waiting…_ He was too, I could tell. He was waiting just for me, and my heart began to thump even more rapidly than it already was. I gulped, already having second, third, and fourth thoughts about doing this. My thoughts were interrupted by a push and a tug, and I was dragged outside slightly. I squinted, and sure enough, there they were, Alucard's little shadow creations, pulling at skirts in a frenzy of impatience. They vanished almost immediately, but the damage was already done. The people had been watching this door for any glimpse of white, and here I was. I forced a calm, serene smile, and walked slowly down the aisle, letting them snap as many pictures as they wanted, although my eyes ached after a few seconds.

I stopped under the canopy, turning around to face Alucard. He was smiling, naturally as far as I could tell, which made it all the more unnatural. His mind nudged against mine, bringing a wave of calm with it. I relaxed slightly, and gave him a grateful glance. The priest interrupted my thoughts. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the marriage of the vampire Alucard," here he cast him a nervous glance. "And Zara Pazúry. Let all who object voice their thoughts now, or forever hold their peace." He waited, but the whole field was silent as the grave. He turned to Alucard. "Do you take Zara Pazúry as your lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish until…" he paused, looking uncomfortable, and some people chuckled. "…death do you part?" He finally said, flushing a little at the ridiculousness of that part, as far as vampires were concerned. Alucard smirked, and I stifled a smile as well.

"I do." He said calmly, staring into my eyes. The priest turned to me. "Do you take Alucard as your lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish as long as you both…" he coughed, avoiding Alucard's gaze. "As long as you both shall live?" I smiled nervously. "Yup." He backed away facing the both of us. "Present your rings." I chucked mine at Alucard, as he did the same. We both caught our respective rings inches from our face, and the priest squawked in alarm. I examined mine, noting the pretty red gemstones and sturdy black steel. Everyone in the audience giggled or laughed outright, depending on their nature, as Alucard was doing the same. I had given him a plain silver steel mixed blessed silver ring, one that might actually hold out for a few days, given his work ethic.

I shrugged and slipped mine in my pocket, smirking as he did the same. "Right…well…umm…you may kiss the bride?" the priest said, when it was clear we weren't going to go through all the normal procedures of ring-giving. I shoved my bouquet in his face before it got in the way and jumped into Alucard's arms, kissing him just as hard as he kissed me. The audience cooed and took more pictures, and I parted from Alucard reluctantly. "See, that wasn't so hard." He whispered in my ear, and I glared at him. "I just died about five times between now and when you shoved me out into the open." I growled. "I can still feel my heart pounding."

He smirked, and I pulled his ring out of his pocket. "My hunch was right, any ring would really suck if you put it on your binding gloves." I said, squinting at it, then at his hand. He sighed and snatched it back. "Where's yours?" he said, slipping my ring out of my dress pocket and showing me the inside. I rolled my eyes, punching his shoulder. An inscription inside read _"Property of Alucard, vampire."_ I slid it on my finger, admiring the pretty spiral pattern the gems made. "So my finger is now your exclusive property?" I said, wiggling said finger back and forth. He smirked, pulling me closer and whispering "That, and everything attached." In my ear as his hand slid down my back. The people, whose existence I had quite forgotten by now, whistled approvingly. I blushed, wiggling out of his grip.

"CAKE!" bellowed Techno, and everyone made a beeline for the tables where they would all sit. He winked at me. "I do have _some_ respect for you Captain." He said, bowing slightly. I shrugged. "Some might coo at lovebirds, but all must obey the hypnotic call of sugar in the end." He said somberly, and I rolled my eyes. He walked away, and I stared after him. "He gets more mature every day. Must be something Soarece puts in his tea." I said seriously, and Alucard nodded. "Yes. She offered me some, but I refused." He said calmly, and pulled me towards the table where we were supposed to sit. I cut the cake as best as someone who has no experience with these things could, and did surprisingly well.

There was the obvious problem of Alucard eating it, but we solved that by me eating it and him eating some of my frozen blood like a Popsicle. Sure, some of the guests looked at us weird, but they were the ones stupid enough to go to a vampire's wedding and expect it to be normal. I almost had forgotten about the bouquet, and went over to retrieve it from the priest. I chucked it over my head, watching all the females scrabble for it, but was mildly surprised to see that, again, Seras was the fated one. "I think Dame Fortune is trying to tell captain Pip to hurry up." I said, rejoining Alucard at the dinner table. He raised an eyebrow, being done with my Popsicle. "How so?"

"Seras has caught the flower thing twice in a row." I said, sliding into my seat next to him. He chuckled. "She does seem to have the knack for it. Oh, so this is starting?" I followed his gaze to see all the young males at Hellsing who had no married spouse, and looked at him in confusion. Rather than baring his teeth and scaring them away, he was showing…anticipation? I glanced at him, but he motioned towards the young males, and I shrugged and looked back at them. Suddenly there was a pair of cold hands on my leg and something wet touched my thigh, just at the weird lace-thing Soarece had made me wear. _Oh yeah, the whole garter thing…remind me to kill him for this._ He yanked it down with his teeth, occasionally stopping to kiss my leg, which made me blush like crazy.

Once he got it down, he slingshoted it into the crowd of young men, and I waited for it to land on one of their heads. I pointed as Captain Pip caught it. "See, right there! Look at that. Fortune is practically covering him in hints!" Alucard rubbed his chin. "He does seem to be rather targeted in that regard." We both shrugged and the party continued, with many people coming by and offering their congrats, and taking pictures, and all that bla-de-bla that normally went with weddings. Needless to say, by the time it was all over and we could head in, I was practically asleep on my feet, and Alucard really _did _have to carry me over the threshold.

_Alucard's POV:_

I let her fall down on her bed, seeing how tired she was. I rustled about a bit seeing how her room was laid out, in case I needed to make a quick escape blind, or something like that. I sat down on her couch, yanking my boots off and walking silently back into her bedroom. She was laid out, had she but known it, very invitingly on the bed, her body completely stretched out in her exhaustion. I slid in with her, picking her up and resting her against my shoulder. "How is my little bride?" I whispered in her ear, getting a secret thrill at calling her that. One corner of her mouth twitched, and she opened her eyes. "Wiped. Completely and utterly wiped." She said, closing them again.

"Aww, I wanted to have some fun…" I said, letting my hand trail its way up her spine to the zipper of her dress. She grunted, but was still too tired to notice the wording or the hand. I decided to change that. I slid the zipper down, yanking the dress all the way off of her body with my shadows and putting it safely away in the closet. She squeaked and moved to get it back, but I pulled her away, waiting until she stopped thrashing to try speaking to her. "You don't want to ruin that pretty dress." I said soothingly, and she blushed. "Yeah but-you- I mean, me- _I'm in my underwear you jerk!_" I grinned. "And you look very becoming in it. I should join you." Before she could protest, I phased my clothes off, and we were both wearing nothing but our underwear.

She blushed bright red, letting her head fall forward on my chest. "I-" she began, but couldn't find a way to finish the sentence. I sensed her dangerous confusion, and waited an hour or so before letting my hands roam. At my first movement she yelped and blushed even brighter, but tolerated it. I crooned to her, soothing her as I let her become accustomed to my hands, like catching a wild horse. Bit by bit, she relaxed, and finally did nothing more than twitch when I touched her, and even then it was only a little. "What's with all the touchie-touchyness?" she murmured, closing her eyes. I allowed myself one tiny smirk, and she couldn't see it anyway. "Well, we _are_ married." I said, grinning to myself.

She mumbled something and nuzzled my shoulder, already more than half asleep. I cradled her in my arms, feeling a sense of accomplishment and love as I watched her sleep, chest rising and falling slowly as she breathed in and out. I kissed her forehead gently, and she smiled in her sleep and snuggled into my shoulder, purring gently. I pulled the covers over us, seeing her shiver slightly. I traced the curve of a cheekbone with one finger, in awed wonder that something so beautiful belonged to me and me alone now. She twitched and growled, snapping at the finger. I smirked. _She still tries to catch prey in her sleep too? I will definitely enjoy this…_

_**There, that's all wrapped up in a nice little bow. Jackal wasn't here for odd reasons, very lengthy and logical ones, mind you, not because I forgot. I'm **__never__** getting married. Too much hassle, I hate romance, and I suck at sharing a bed with anyone. (NO, not **__that__** kind of sharing, you creepy pervs. My sister and I had to share a bed once when we had a family of guests over, and they had already taken all the other stuff) My sister says I elbow and knee her in my sleep, and quite frankly, I believe her. (Bruises are hard evidence to explain away) Do try to keep the smutty comments to yourselves, because I accidentally used my mom's e-mail account, and she has to read all reviews, whether she wants to or not. Review, Request, and for the I-don't-know-how-many time, that's important for this fanfic, Rcomment. Auf Wedersien!**_


	4. Not Forever

_**Just a little cute something I thought up when I realized Zara and Alucard needed something other than a hate-love relationship. You remember Alucard's awkward sleep cuddliness, right? Well…**_

_Hellsing Cats only, but it would be nice if you knew about the sleep habit._

**Not Forever **

I yawned, stretching as I watched _Jaws_ before it was time for me to go to bed. Everyone else was out on missions, so it was nice to have the TV before having to play poker for it first. Something soft hit my lap, and I absently scratched at it, figuring one of my cats wanted attention. My hand ran through hair longer than even my longest-furred cats, and I looked down to see Alucard's head in my lap, eyes closed and the rest of his body sprawled on the couch. He reeked of gunpowder and blood, which was normal, and his hands were folded on his chest, which I had no idea if it was normal or not. Probably first back to the Mansion from the mission everyone had gone out on, as he could phase _without_ ending up headfirst in a tree, like poor Seras. He looked wiped. I realized my hand was still entangled in his silky black hair and blushed. I rubbed his head absently as I wondered whether or not to wake him up, and shrugged, turning _Jaws _back on.

He stayed asleep for the whole rest of the movie, which wasn't much, not even twitching and muttering in his sleep like he sometimes did. It was sad; I reflected, that I had become so familiar with a demented, blood sucking, sadistic killer that I could tell how deeply asleep he was by his muttering, or lack thereof. I sighed, gently bouncing his head with my knee when the movie ended. His lips drew back in a silent snarl, and I quickly stopped. _Great, how do I get him off me so I can go to sleep?_ "Wake up Alucard." I said firmly, poking him hard. No movement, not even a scowl, I yanked on his hair gently, but that only resulted in said frown, and I smiled slightly, thinking how cute he was when he did that, then shaking my head. _Focus._ "Umm…Anderson's making out with me?" I said, and he let out a vicious snarl, and I jerked away from him, heart hammering. _Okay, still majorly overprotective in his sleep. Got it, do not repeat._ "Uh, he dumped me and is now dating Sir Integra instead." I said quickly, causing him to bare his teeth in a silent, but still just as scary, warning growl.

I smacked myself on the head. _Idiot, why say that! Now fix it before he kills you in his sleep or something._ "Actually, umm…he dumped her too and is secretly going out with Maxwell, who he was cheating on us with the entire time." I said frantically, and his face relaxed in a happy purr. I smiled at him, stroking his hair. For a guy that turned into a dog on regular occasions, he had a surprisingly authentic purr. I blinked. _Getting him off me, going to bed, got to focus._ "Are you hungry? I can go get you some blood packs. Ow!" In answer, he grabbed my hand and nipped my finger, feeding from that instead. "You are…something else…" I fumed, eye twitching. He murmured happily, sucking on my finger and completely ignoring me.

After about ten minutes, he was done and his Royal Jerk deigned to give his lowly servant her hand back. "If the parent's of sleepwalking children had to deal with you they'd never complain again." I told him, scowling. _He manages to suck blood, mock me, be angry at someone "making out" with me, and be pacified by my explanation. What a jerk._ He smirked in his sleep and nuzzled the arm that led to the hand in his hair happily. I growled, wanting very badly to stab him with something sharp and silver. But he was so cute when he was all smug and happy, at least when he was asleep and couldn't make biting remarks to the world about his superiority. I sighed in frustration.

I gently lifted up his head, sliding myself out from under him. He frowned slightly, and I squeezed his shoulder slightly to let him know I was still among the living. It disappeared, and his fangs were suddenly on display as he yawned hugely. I gulped, backing away, but his arm still hit me across the midriff, slamming me down onto the floor with a bang. I moaned, rubbing my head as he stretched, rolling over. I patted myself down, making sure he hadn't cracked any ribs. He rolled over again, falling off the couch, and because this was _him_, landing on me. I yelped, and he twitched, but didn't move. He shifted on top of me, wrapping his arms around me and rolling over. I was now pinned to him, draped across his chest as he muttered, smirking.

I banged my head against his chest softly, and he twitched again. His smirk faded and his hands started rubbing my back in slow, rhythmic motions. I shuddered, caught off guard by his change of tactics, and growled at him. "Alucard whatever the heck your middle and last names are, stop that right now." He whined softly, pulling me closer to his face and nuzzling my neck like he was asking for forgiveness. "Quit it." I growled, and he apparently didn't hear me or ignored me again. I gulped as he nibbled my neck, mentally berating myself for not seeing this coming. _Not his sleep lovey thing again. _I tried going completely limp, and he pulled back, whining in confusion.

He stopped and snuggled up to me, nuzzling into my neck happily and pinning me to him with both arms wrapped around my waist. I tried getting free of him for about half an hour after that, but finally concluded that, like it or not, I was sleeping on the floor tonight. I yawned, feeling tired out from the long day, and Alucard, of course. I sighed and snuggled into him, yanking his red coat over me slightly to use as a blanket. "You are totally going to owe me for this…" I told him drowsily, closing my eyes and hearing him rumble happily.

_Integra's POV:_

I stepped into the mercenary quarters, hoping Alucard was with Zara, as I couldn't find him anywhere else. At the very least she would have a good idea of where he was. I stopped, seeing most of them with cameras, standing by the entrance to their barrack common room, snickering. I peeked in, and smirked. Alucard and Zara were curled up together on the floor, smiling in their sleep. "Clear off you lot, I'll handle this." I said, shooing them away and approaching the two bodies. "You won't be able to pull that trick on her forever." I said, lighting a cigar. Alucard opened one red eye, grinning wickedly. "I don't know what you mean. I am simply enjoying my mate's presence. I was asleep for most of it, but it was a situation that _had_ to be taken advantage of." He purred, nuzzling Zara's body in his arms.

Her grip on his neck tightened, and she burrowed into his chest, whining softly. His smirk softened and he crooned to her until she relaxed. "Besides, I don't need to be able to do this forever. Only to a certain point." He said, watching her fondly. "Oh? So the H.D. will be able to take couple pictures whenever they wish?" I said coyly, and he growled. "I blurred the images. We won't show up at all." He muttered, and I smirked. "What then?" I asked persistently, and he flashed me another wicked grin. "Until I can convince her to let me sleep in her bed, of course." He said, smirking down at her with a smug look on his face. I snorted. "That'll happen around the same time you and Anderson start to get along." I chuckled, walking back out. He sighed behind me, letting his head fall back down on the floor. "We'll see little one." He muttered to Zara, stroking her hair. "We'll see."

_**See, it isn't **__all__** hate! Cute, wasn't it? It's a squee moment for sure. Anyway…working on the one where the Halloween Division all meet up! Should be pretty soon! (I hope, I have some others I'm doing.**_


	5. Family Moments

_**Aw, family time! Just a bunch of stuff that wasn't big enough for its own chapter.**_

_Jackal knowledge, but otherwise good._

* * *

_**Vacation:**_

"Yaaaah!" I shouted, tackling Anderson and raking my nails at his face. He threw me into a tree, and Alucard punched his chest, throwing him back a few hundred yards. "Die abominations!" He shouted, firing a wave of bayonets at us, and Alucard shielded me with his body. Jackal sat on a nearby fence, doodling. "Remind me why we're fighting again?" I asked, ducking one of Heinkel's shots. "I'm kinda wondering that too!" Yumiko shouted, slashing at Alucard and dodging his return strike. "You invaded our sacred land, and must pay!" Anderson yelled, clashing with Alucard absently. "I wanted to go to Germany or somewhere nice like that, but no, you had to say Rome!" I shouted at Jackal, who looked up. "But our friends are here…" he said, pointing at the Iscariots.

"Shoot me now…" I muttered facepalming. I barely dodged the shot following that statement, with Heinkel running along a rooftop towards me. "We are not friends, we're mortal enemies!" Alucard shouted happily, as his arm was cut off by Anderson. "Wait, you're on _vacation_?" Yumiko said, startled, halting her attack long enough for me to punch her stomach. "No, we're here because we missed you. 'Course we're on our bloody vacation!" I shouted, slamming the back of my head into Heinkel's nose, making him drop me. "I came because I wanted to fight them!" Alucard said indignantly, lowering his guns. "Well I did not!" I screamed at him, freeing myself of Heinkel and Yumiko and hitting him in the chest. He laughed as I clawed him, blood pouring from his wounds as the Iscariots all stared at us.

"Umm…are we still fighting?" Yumiko said, edging towards the Vatican building in the distance. "I think they're preoccupied." Heinkel said, coughing. "Bloody monsters." Anderson muttered, turning away. I ignored them in favor of killing Alucard, who had finally stopped laughing after I bit his throat open. He waited until I was panting, my hands on either side of his head, exhausted, before healing himself and lunging up to pull me down and kiss me. Yumiko blushed bright red, closing her eyes. Heinkel choked, covering his eyes too late, and Anderson hissed, a red flush creeping up the back of his neck. Jackal did not help. "Mommy and daddy, kissing in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." he sang happily, and the Iscariots beat a hasty retreat, running for their base.

"Now what?" I asked, sitting up. Alucard smirked, standing and pulling me to my feet. "Well, I hear Germany is wonderful at this time of year…if Jackal approves." He said, turning to our son. Jackal hoped off the fence, running to us and jumping into my arms. "Yay! More family vacation?" He asked hopefully, and I grinned, waltzing away with Alucard. "Until Integra gets wind of our antics, we're good." I said happily, rubbing his ears as we looked for our luggage, which I dropped as Anderson and Alucard started fighting.

* * *

_**Movie Night:**_

"I wanna pick!" Jackal squealed, scuttling over to the small collection of DVDs Integra, the Wild Geese, the H.D., and I had hoarded in the lounge. I sighed, leaning back on the couch, as Alucard wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Ohhh…" he muttered, looking through them all excitedly. "Remind me why I agreed to this?" I asked Alucard, opening one eye. He grinned down at me. "Integra threatened to fire you if you didn't spend some quality time with me and Jackal." I snorted. "Yeah, right. Confess, you totally made that up." I hissed at him. "Alright, I wanted to cuddle with my beloved and watch movies with my son." He admitted cheerfully, ruffling Jackal's hair and nuzzling me. I sighed, shaking my head, but it had been ages since we all sat down for some "family time" that wasn't violent or short. The movie revved up, and I smacked Alucard when the title came on.

"Who even bought that?" I asked in disgust as _Nightmare on Elm Street_ started playing. So much for the lack of violence. "And how did a toddler pick it out? I swear, he's learning it from you." I accused him, and he smirked, pointing to my copy of _Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. _I growled, hating it when he turned the tables on me. "Shut up." I muttered as Jackal plopped himself down on my lap. I leaned against Alucard, and he put his arms around us as we watched, smoothing my hair gently. "Go Freddy!" Jackal squealed happily, clapping his hands as the knife-handed psycho started chopping up victims. "Daddy could beat him, couldn't he?" Jackal said hesitantly, looking up at me. I snorted. "Easily. Watch the movie." He nodded in satisfaction, turning back around. "He won't get nightmares, will he?" Alucard said quietly in my ear, and I rolled my eyes.

"First off, if he watches your mission files this is just icing on the cake. Second, shouldn't you have asked that before we started watching? Third, he's _your_ kid, anything humans can come up with won't scare him at all." I said firmly, wincing at a particularly loud scream. "Mm." He said, unconvinced, and Jackal giggled. "Pretty blood!" He cackled, bouncing on my lap excitedly. I gave Alucard a pointed look. He rolled his eyes in defeat and kissed my forehead, quietly growling in annoyance. Much blood, screams, gore, and scariness later Jackal was asleep in my lap, a crazed smirk on his tiny face as he snored. I wasn't far behind as I wobbled upright, dragging him laboriously up to our shared room since he refused to sleep anywhere else. Alucard followed since he had most likely decided this was another night where he would try to sleep on my mattress. He usually compromised by sleeping on the floor, if only for giving me some time to actually sleep instead of attempting to stab him.

A few moments later showed Jackal in his coffin-bed thing, me in my bed, and Alucard doing something very new by trying to sleep on the ceiling. (Which he actually seemed to be managing) Thus Integra found us the next morning, except Alucard had stealthily moved to my bed and was cuddling me in my sleep. She was screaming loud enough to wake even him, however, as she started ranting about how most of the H.D. refused to sleep because of "-AND YOU LEFT THE BLOODY THING RUNNING ALL NIGHT!" I sleepily murmured "Alucard's fault now lemme 'lone" before covering my ears with a pillow. He shrugged. "Jackal managed to watch it just fine. I fail to see how the older human children would not." He said, picking me up and snuggling against me. "Blame the person who bought it." Jackal whined, turning over and falling back asleep. She spluttered as we ignored her, because absolutely none of us had any sympathy and would very much like to be asleep ourselves, thank you very much.

* * *

_**A Normal Day:**_

"WHERE IS HE!?" I roared, streaking through the walls, my nails lengthening. Techno was barely keeping ahead of me, but I almost had him. Suddenly he skidded to stop, picking up Jackal bodily and holding him in front of himself. "Meat shield! Sorry Jackal but Uncle Techno's a dead man without your brave sacrifice!" Techno said frantically, as Jackal yelped and wriggled in confusion. I snarled, pacing the hallway as Techno inhaled and exhaled deeply, worn out from the chase. "What'd you do now?" Maniac asked, pausing on her way to test out her new thermonuclear grenades, juggling the volatile bombs nonchalantly. He wheezed a few more times, catching his breath. "I…made…a…valentine's card…and flowers…with her name on it…and gave it to…Alucard…" he panted, laughing weakly.

My eye twitched, and I almost launched myself at him, but remembered Jackal barely in time. "Gimme one of those." I snarled, holding a hand palm up in front of Maniac's startled face. She shrugged and slapped the grenade in my hand, walking away as she whistled, clearly in a good mood. Techno gulped. "Mommy?" Jackal asked nervously, seeing me cock the grenade back. "Don't worry kiddo. You'll heal right away." I said firmly, and Techno pointed weakly to himself. "You'll be scraped off the walls with a spatula." I taunted, and he closed his eyes. "Well, I suppose I got what I wanted." He muttered, then dropping Jackal and streaking away. "You weren't really gonna throw that at him were you?" He asked, and I tossed it out the window. "Heck no, but it was really tempting for a few seconds." We stood and contemplated this as the ground outside suddenly vaporized in a shower of dirt and a crash of explosives. We fell on the ground, but I fell right through it, and gulped, seeing Alucard holding me in his arms and grinning as he landed on the second level.

"Techno, not me." I said firmly, wriggling out of his grasp. He pouted, grabbing me by the back of my shirt and turning me around. "But my love, we're married…" he said, trying to give me the Bambi eyes like Jackal could. I gulped, because he had obviously been practicing. He was very, very good at the Bambi eyes approach. "Umm…err…well…I…maybe?" I said, trying desperately to look anywhere else. "Please?" he whispered, and I caved. "FINE! I mean, n-" Too late, he was already kissing me in triumph. I sighed, acknowledging he had won this round at least, and I needed to practice becoming invulnerable to _both_ of my family's Bambi eyes. The rest of me sort of floated in a sea of hazy pleasure, because he was a very good kisser.

After about a minute he pulled back and I gasped in the much-needed oxygen. He carried me back upstairs as I wheezed on his shoulder, my lungs gulping in the sweet, sweet air. When we hit the ground floor he put me down, and I punched his shoulder before darting away. About five minutes after that the doorbell rang and since I had won the poker game for the TV in the lounge I answered. "Hello?" I said politely, seeing nobody who was going to try and kill/kidnap me. "Yes, we heard a call about a disturbance, and since this is such a large estate they called in an expert. Mr. Montrieve, at your service." I raised an eyebrow. "With all due respect Mr. I think we're good as far as disturbances go." Techno bolted past me, screaming "FREEDOM!" Maniac raced out behind him. "GIMME MY EXPLOSIVES BACK YOU SNITCH!" She howled, pelting him with lit firecrackers. I crossed my fingers behind my back, hoping by some miracle he hadn't noticed.

He gave me a pointed look. "Eh hehe. Okay, they're best friends, it's kinda normal for the-" A colossal explosion over the middle of the manor knocked us both to our feet, and I swore as I got back up. "I suppose that's normal too?" he said in a dignified way, and I seesawed my hand. "Kinda?" I said weakly, smiling sheepishly. A charred Integra stomped out behind me. "WHERE THE HELL IS THE CRETEIN THAT PUT EXPLOSIVES IN MY DESK!?" She roared, and I flushed. "Mostly normal." I said, wincing. He raised an eyebrow, and a tank smashed through the front wall of the manor. "WOOOHOOO!" Jackal yelled, army helmet askew on his tiny head as he piloted the tank through a remote…control… "Normal and I'm gonna kill Alucard." I said through gritted teeth, and the man jumped, glancing all around him frantically and running back down the drive.

Moments later Jackal, Maniac, and Techno all had flagpole duty, Maniac and Jackal for the fourth and seventh time respectively. Integra had to find a new office somewhere in the manor and for the next few weeks everything suffered from power outages, because the explosion and Jackal's tank had damaged the circuitry. Alucard had nothing to complain of per say, but he did try again to get me to kiss him. It worked. I _hate_ his new Bambi eyes trick. The sad thing was, I was right. That had been a completely normal day at Hellsing.

* * *

_**One for all and all for one?**_

"Zara, Jackal, Alucard, I have called you together for a very important reason." Integra shifted in her chair, smiling at them. Alucard and Zara exchanged worried glances. Integra never smiled. Jackal sucked on his blood lollypop. "Together you are my best team. You've never let me down." Alucard was glancing around suspiciously, searching for where the real Integra must be hiding. Zara was feeling around for her knives, wondering if she had been possessed or something. Jackal beamed happily, slurping on the blood-flavored confection. "You are my most trusted agents. Which is why I want to know one thing…" Integra's mood shifted abruptly.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU GO TO ITALY ON YOUR VACATION!? AREN'T THE FEELINGS BETWEEN THE VATICAN AND OURSELFVES HOSTILE ENOUGH AS IT IS!?" Alucard let out a sigh of relief and Zara let go of her knife handle. This was the Integra they knew. Jackal looked up from his lollypop, confused. "Well, it's kinda a long story. Jackal wanted to go say hi and he did the Bambi eyes, but I said no, and then Alucard snuck up on me and-" Integra growled. "You're saying it was Jackal's idea?" Alucard and Zara looked at each other, then at their son. "Yes." They said in unison, nodding and looking back up at her. She clenched her cigar in her hands. "Jackal, explain."

He looked up. "Huh? Oh, I wanted to go say hi to Mr. Anderson and the others, only they and mommy and daddy started fighting." He said, before practically inhaling his sucker again. "Which one first?" She asked, and he pointed to Alucard. Integra looked up at him, an angry fire burning in her eyes. "Alucard…" she growled, and he shrugged, pointing to Zara. "Actually, I only started first because she had to put Jackal down, and she told me to hold on a second." He said, pointing to Zara, who gulped. "Not fair! Besides, he went in first anyway! I waited a second!" She said frantically, pointing at him. Integra rolled her eyes as the family began arguing over who actually did go first, and pounded a fist onto her desk, making them all jump. "ENOUGH!" She roared, and they all gulped. "Alucard, as punishment you will not be allowed to go within fifteen feet of Zara for a month."

He blinked, looking stunned by the severity of her punishment, and she turned to Zara. "You will go on a shopping trip with Soarece and her friends." She said, and Zara clapped her hands over her mouth, looking sick. "Jackal, you don't get the lollypop." Integra said impatiently, tugging it out of his mouth and dropping the drool covered candy into her trash bin. "Dismissed." She growled, and they staggered out. Alucard stood down the hall fifteen feet from Zara, looking agonized. "That was below the belt." He growled, one eye twitching. Zara folded her arms. "Below the belt was chewing me out to Integra." She snarled, gesturing to the door. "I want my lollypop!" Jackal wailed, jumping into her arms. The next few minutes were occupied by a shouting match between the No-Life King and his mate, which ended when she was dragged away by Soarece and Auger, still shouting comebacks at Alucard. He sighed, shaking his head and picking Jackal up instead. "_You_ don't think it was below the belt." He said hopefully, rubbing his ears. Jackal shrugged. "We kinda all went there." He said, pulling out a spare lollypop.

* * *

_**Aww, what a cute family they are! Whew, no chapters for sure from June 28 until July 16 because I'm gonna be in the U.K. (gulp, I hope I don't run into anybody fangy) and Ireland ( double gulp, or anyone religious). Sorry, but I really wanna go otherwise! Review, Request-VERY IMPORTANT, Rcomment. Auf Wedersien! **_


End file.
